Sunday, July 31, 2011

If...and When

What is the most important things to you right this very minute? Without really taking time to think would you be able to rattle off three things that were the most important to you? I can probably assume that you would not say my computer, my Blackberry, and my car. Are you being honest? While I like to think that you would answer in a more humanistic caring way we all know that family and friends top the list at #1 and #2 and #3 is probably a bit more of personal nature. While those are the politically correct answers that everyone wants to hear but are they really, I mean come on, are they really your most important things to you right now? I don't think that if there are other things more important to you than family and friends you would admit to it. Why? Because it would make you look bad to other people as if you weren't caring or loving enough. But in all honesty, there are people out there who are materialistic and who do not put family or friends at the top of their internal lists. I think that they would put money up there, their status within the circle they associate (even if they are friends with them...), and their place on the corporate ladder. The kind of car they drive, the style of clothes they wear, the restaurants they frequent, the pool or beach clubs they join or are part of, who their kids play with are all other contenders on the top three list.

I have known a few of these kind of people over the years. I think we have all known people like this, maybe you are one! Despite what they would put on their top 3 list I know that I am happier than all of them. I don't think that money buys happiness. As a matter of fact there are a lot of people I know who have a lot more money than I and are not happier. Yes, they have a bigger house, nicer cars, better clothes, frequent their hair stylist routinely, eat out frequently but they are not happier. What are they missing? They fill their life with things that are trying to fill some other void. They are looking for validation for their life. I recently heard or read something somewhere (I am a big reader) that many people look at their house as a reflection of their success in life. Almost as if it is an award they bought to show off to other people (of whom they either don't know or don't care about) what they have. I wonder if they ever thought about "us other people" not caring what they have? I wonder how they would react if we were face to face and they asked this question and I responded "I don't care". What would they do? I just wonder. Money and acquiring material things is supposed to impress people but, while I do admire their homes, I don't care. I feel sad for them because somewhere something in their life was sacrificed. Maybe they were not there for their kids...or their spouse...or their parents. They invested all their time in their career that they missed what life was giving them the entire time and when they realize it, often, it is too late to get that time back.

I like to look at my life as a series of checks and balances. I am always taking inventory of what is really important to me today. When tomorrow comes, I reassess what is important to me today. Each day the important things differ slightly but for the most part it is who I have in my life and who I am supposed to be here for are the important things of the day. While I want my career reestablished and I would love to be contributing to my family financially, what I am giving to my family right now does not have a price tag on it. Time is of no value because there is only one. You can't buy more time. You can't make up time. You can't replace what once was. You just have to focus on each minute of each day and make sure you are happy with that moment. Women have a hard time readjusting their priorities when life hits like a brick wall. That is me. I still struggle with giving up a piece of me for my life now but I know I am young enough to establish a career later on but old enough to have wisdom to proceed successfully. I know what to look for and I know who to avoid.

If...and when my life is to change I hope that I am equipped enough to keep the balance that I have worked hard to achieve with my family. I believe that I am a good person (I know I am) and I pray that good things will come my way as I proceed with caution.

Thank you for visiting stranger friends! I appreciate your looking!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

It's Funny...

I've taken a couple days away from writing to go look at houses in another state. Looking at homes on a realtor's website is one thing but to actually go drive by the house is a completely different story. I honestly wished that Realtors didn't try to deceive the potential buyer with staged homes and rooms because it is exhausting to leave one state to go look at homes in another state only to know that the house you liked online overlooks a storage facility, office park, or garage. Just because there are new hardwood floors and a pool doesn't make up for the fact that the house sits on a side-street cut-through to a main thoroughfare. I like neighbors but not when they are that close or when they can see you jump in your own pool. House hunting yesterday was exhausting. And I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A REALTOR WITH ME! I need to make a priority list even though in my head I "know" what would work for us but at the moment of truth I don't want to forget the nooks and crannies of what will make me happier in a new-er home.

The funny thing is that as I was driving around from home to home I came up with fantastic topics to blog about only to sit down tonight and have writer's block. Yup, I know "write it down before you forget" but it is hard to do when you are trying to look for a street number, a street name, a cop, follow the speed limit, shift (I drive a standard), and make sure that I stop at all the intersections with lights! Finding a pen and my notebook (yes, I keep one in my purse for these exact times!) was/is not an option. So, once I got to my destination my "idea" had slipped away. I would associate this to taking a shower. The absolute best thoughts and conversations happen in the shower only to turn off the water, dry off, dress, to realize everything you planned on saying or doing has relocated to another part of your brain. Frustration sets in and then you stumble for the right words to say to get your point across. I know, we all have those moments whether you admit to them or not. I love blogging and am looking into doing more of it in different venues with the hopes of making some change but for now I need to be able to hold onto my fantastical thoughts and ideas I want to share and come up with a way to jot them down when I am not in the car!

I hope to have a better blog topic tomorrow because they are in here somewhere!

Thank you for visiting and feel free to jot down your thoughts. I appreciate your visit even though you may say nothing. On that note, have a wonderful rest of your evening!!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Detour = Dead End - I am HOME!

Hi friends. I am back for a little while until I can get the hang of WordPress. I am struggling with managing that page and for now (since I am not into technology) I am going to continue to post here. My struggle over there...I can't find the plugin tab "to the left" and "download" despite the easy directions to follow on their own "help" page. Bonkers. I tell you, it is all bonkers! so instead of getting so stressed out right now, of which I am not, I decided to welcome myself back here for a while longer. I hope you don't mind that I returned for a stay.

On that note I stumbled upon another blogger of which I posted her link. Today she had some really inspiring quotes that move her and they touched me as well.

Today they said that 40 is the new 20 and I have to say that I am just not feeling like I am 20. As a matter of fact I don't even feel 30 never mind 20! My body does not react well to stress and since the day I found out I was pregnant stress has been part of my life, or some part of it for a multitude of reasons. I am at a point where I need to really look long and hard at what I want in my life and for my life and how I am going to achieve that. I honestly have taken a back seat and have focused on caring for my family but I need to learn to focus on me. I commit myself to whatever I need to except that my name is always last on the list and if it is first it always gets bumped. I don't know what I do that but I do. I need to remove the stress triggers in my life and replace them with more positive actions and events that will yield a better me. I am not unhappy, I am actually quite happy, but the last 5 or so years of my life have been a challenge. There have been many life events (major events mind you) to deal with (or not) that has impacted and changed the course of my/our life. Some expected, most not. As a result I am not in as good of shape as I once was or need to be. I exercise but what I need to do is to get my mind thinking in a new direction, I need new opportunities to come my way, I need to be able to "see" an opportunity when it arrives. What I will not do is sacrifice the happiness of my family and the functionability of how my family works. I think I am getting closer to what it is I need to do and where I need to do it but I still feel like my compass is spinning out of control. I try to stay positive and do what I can each and every day to make the day the best day possible.

So I leave you with this quote from Rebecca Cooper's blog page:

is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Turn Left on Red...Detour

Hi Friends...I have decided to go to WordPress to continue blogging. I like this forum better because I think I know it well enough to produce a piece I am pleased with but after reading many opinions about the pros and cons of Blogger vs WordPress it seems that there are more "built-ins" over there at WP. My new page is up but it is a mess...a royal mess. I am learning a new language over there but am giving it a shot. I think one of the greatest reasons to move over is because it can provide greater exposure. I don't know if that is what I am looking for but I haven't found any tributes to me NOT moving over. I am not in a position to pay for someone to design a page for me right now but before this takes off (or plummets) I want to be in a more user-friendly environment. Where this is going I have not a clue but for right now this is what I have to do. I will periodically post here but my energy is on learning the new blog forum and all the lingo associated with learning something new.

Please take the detour and head over to Color of Inspiration at WordPress.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Get Out Of My Way, Now!

I am talking about ME! Yes, I am terrible at getting in my own way sometimes when I am trying to move forward. I don't know why I do it, when I do it, or when it really happens. I just know that I get "stuck" and literally stand in my own way. I am my own worst enemy and that mantra was written for me by some unknown who knows me better than I know myself. I absolutely hate when this happens because I feel that I have missed opportunities for growth. I don't know why I hold myself back. I think that that weird word called "fear" makes her presence known and ruffles the feathers of moving forward. I know that I am smart (not a genius or gifted) but I have successfully finished high school, finished undergrad school with a major in business and art history, finished graduate school in less than one year (THAT was one hell of a year) in education, and have continued to earn credits towards yet another degree (if I so choose)! No, I am not stupid but can do school. My last graduate class I took just a couple months ago on Theories of Elementary Mathematics in Schools I earned a perfect 100. I aimed for a good grade but didn't expect this grade. I am pleased.

Now, why the heck can't I just learn to step aside and let life move me along...ebb then flow? Why? Why? Why? I always had a "plan". I planned for my future and worked hard to avoid challenging and difficult situations. I capitalized on benefits offered through my employment, I own my car, I bought a house, I pay my bills, vote, wear my seat belt, follow the speed limits, and say a prayer for funeral processions I pass by. But, yet, I am in my own way because the "plan" changed. It changed in a way that was unexpected and my flexibility has weakened over the years. I know what I want...I just can't get myself there. Funny how complex life can be even more-so when you are an analytical person LIKE I AM ! I need to stop analyzing everything and just let sleeping dogs lie. Right? "Leave it alone"
I tell myself but it just doesn't happen.

I am a spiritual person and always hope that the next thing will be better. I hope that one day I will be able to step aside and get out of my own way so the other me can get going!

Thanks for stopping by and listening to my drama!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Powerful Words

What do you deem to be powerful words? Why are they powerful to you? Are they your own words or are they the words of another? Who? Why do these words even grab us and hold on to use (sometimes) forever?

Growing up I decided to keep a quotes notebook for fun. I would write down words, phrases, quotes that caught my attention for known and unknown reasons. I have been in and out of this phase of collecting words, quotes and phrases all my life. There have been times when I DVR'd Oprah so I could write down word for word what she said OR if someone said something profound to her. She has made herself incredibly wealthy by telling the truth and tapping into conversations most don't consider. She has capitalized on her fear of the unknown and the fear of putting issue in the spotlight. I am wowed by her in that aspect. However, if you pay careful attention she looks to others for guidance and will often quote profound things others have said. Words touch her. Quotes touch her. She is/was able to use this knowledge and perception to her benefit in creating an empire based on truth. I, however, do not intend to ever be Oprah status! But I resonate with her in using words to get through situations and trying to understand people in a deeper sense. I have smatterings of quotes books, notebooks, sheets of paper all scattered around. If only I kept one book what a treasure trove that would be. But just because I have lots of things written doesn't mean I remember them all. Isn't that why I wrote them down to begin with? Yeah, it is! Depending on the day depends on what quote I live by. I think that the ebbing of quote usage tells you that you are ever changing in your life and your perception of yourself. I think this is healthy and normal.

"Say what you need to say."
"Say what you mean. Mean what you say."
"Live life to the fullest."
"When you know better you do better."
"When one door opens another closes."


"I love you."
"Have a good day."
"You're the best."
"Just checking in."

These are my latest most favorite quotes. Some from famous souls others from ordinary folk. Either way no matter who said them they still have importance and meaning to me in a BIG way! The latest one "don't give into fear" has been haunting me for some time now. Haunting not in a bad way but as I sort out things in my life I am reminded not to let fear control me but to remain in charge no matter what the situation big or small. When I recognize fear (or anxiety) happening or just about to start to happen I am stopping myself to recognize what is going on and see if I can change the direction of my reaction to what is going on. I am learning to be more vocal and state my needs at the time, lack of understanding, approval, disapproval, or my feelings. Fearing life and the things in it is really foreign to me because this sense of fear is very new. New in the sense that it grew over the last few years. I never had fear but adventure and I am working hard to get back to that adventure girl again. So these powerful words are helping me redirect my life which I am very happy about.

So, share your powerful words, write them down, or do nothing with them but whatever you do hold on to them because they are yours and you give them the value they deserve in your own heart!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Poetry is Motion...


Poetry has not been my strong subject in school but I enjoy reading poetry. Complex poetry is hard to understand but I still like reading it even though I may walk away shaking my head wondering what the darn thing was about. I like simple poetry that has a crisp message; just enough to bring a pang to your heart. I like poetry I can relate to and I like poetry that makes me think much deeper about things than I have ever done before. I like to try to think about what the writer was thinking at the time pen hit the paper. Where were they? What experience did they just have? What brought them to this moment in time to extinguish such thought and emotion?

I like to write poetry as well. However, my poems are not as articulate and coherent as others. I recently came across this poem called The Journey that really resonated with me.

The Journey
by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old rug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations-
through their melancholy
was terrible.
it was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the starts began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do-
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Does this poem speak to you? I can probably assume that reading this poem snapped you back in time to a place you were that spoke these words. You can recall what happened to you that detoured you from the life you knew and created for yourself. Maybe it was a small moment but big enough for you to stop and redirect yourself; maybe it was a grand moment when your world was rattled off its foundation. No matter the details of this event you were touched and your journey was changed. YOU always know what you have to do but facing what you know to be true is torture. Hard. Painful. Confusing. Scary. Change is not easy when you are in control and nearly impossible when someone takes that control from you and forces the decision upon you. You know what I wonder? I wonder if they ever thing about the pain and barrel full of emotions that they caused someone because of their decision that so deeply affected you. Do they think about you after they changed the course of your life. What I would like to yes but the truth to the matter is I know they don't. I've heard it. Business is business and there is no room for emotion in business. I know that people who have changed my journey never think about what it did to me. But, I don't really think about this. I don't give my time, energy, thoughts to people who are not worthy of it. Life happened and it will not be filled with people who extract my good energy and good intentions.

The Journey spoke volumes to me. As a matter of fact I am going to try to rewrite this poem in calligraphy and frame it as a reminder of those voices in my head and the only life I have to save. Sometimes someone elses experience and articulation of words are just the right stepping stones you need to rewrite your new beginning.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Journaling...Do You?

I have always enjoyed writing, reading, and words in general. Sometimes I jot down words because they interest me but other times I skip right over words I have no idea what they mean! Yup, I do that! Do you? When I had my own classroom each student had a dictionary and they were tucked into every shelf and nook just to encourage (force) my students to not skip words but to take the time and learn a new word. But, I have to say that when you are knee deep in a book and you've found your comfort zone and rhythm of reading the last thing you want to do is to pick up and pull out the old dictionary. Nope, not happening here. I get it now. Just because you don't know a word and it is good practice to learn its meaning something is taken away from "the moment". When (or if) I get back into the classroom this is a practice I will change. Read away but jot down that word to (maybe) look up later on.

Good introduction? Now that I got your attention do you write in a journal? I've read that many famous people (Oprah, Maya Angelou etc.) write in journals and have for most of their life but do you? I have been in and out about writing in a journal. There is more evidence to prove that you should than not but are you comfortable with writing your own words down in a book? I like to hold onto my words and thoughts but have also journaled at different times. Why don't I stick with it? I have this weird feeling that what would I do if someone some day decided to pick up this book and started to read it? What would I do? How would I feel knowing that this was a private book? Is it still private once you put your soul onto paper in the form of words? So instead of just letting the words flow from hand to paper I get caught up in the "what if" after the fact? Sometimes feelings and thoughts could be taken out of context (if read). Sometimes you don't want to "go there" and just need to get it out without really addressing that "thing" that is bugging you. I don't see journaling as a means to hurt people but a means to learn about who you are at the time you pick up that pen and jot down your words. Some people have gone onto publishing books because they have kept such a discipline. Me, not so much. When I was done journaling in the past, I always felt that I needed to "dispose" of my work. Yes, I did and only now realize that I should not have done that. It/they would have given me a perspective on my life that no one else could. I do think sometimes that you just don't want to relive what you wrote so why keep those words?

I always have high hopes then they dwindle off. I really do have good intentions of writing but for some reason or another I just don't do it. I know I have missed some important times but I can't go back but only go forward. I do have to admit that even though I don't bare my soul on paper you can see my soul. I make sense of my world through pictures. I love photography and my pictures show how I see the world and what is important to me. I look back at my life with the pictures I've taken and not so much the words I neglected to scribble. So even though I am not a die hard journaler I have my pictures. I can always tell you the story behind the picture and retell the events that lead up to me taking the picture. I don't want to miss anything and so that is how I journal. I want to get back to the pen to paper form of writing but right now I need to overcome the big "what if someone found it and read it" thoughts. I have nothing to hide but my honesty will be reflected on these pages and I don't want people to know everything that runs through my heart, mind, and soul.

I feel more inspired to journal and write especially after reading an older copy of the Oprah magazine. Specifically it talked about poetry but bits and pieces of Oprah's personal journals were shared. I felt uneasy AND THEY WEREN'T EVEN MY JOURNALS! I look at Oprah and see how far she has come and I am sure her ability to journal has helped her achieve her success (among others). Sometimes my feelings are so powerful that I know I need to write but other times I just need to sit quietly and absorb my internal reactions to the outside world. I over analyze everything and run scenarios in my head about what I could have done differently or how I wished I were more quick-witted with my mouth or what will come of this. But the bottom line is that I needed to learn something from that interaction and would have an easier time figuring things out if I wrote down my thoughts and feelings immediately so the next time I am faced with a similar situation I can handle it accordingly. Who knows. Maybe after this post I will pick up my nice new journal and start to write, write, write!

If you are a journaler do you enjoy it? Do you have any fear associated to journaling?

Good luck with your methods of keeping track of your memories! Happy writing friends!

Monday, July 11, 2011

I've Always Said...

When I was a little girl I always said that I wanted to be a person I wanted to meet. I don't know when I first thought this thought but I can say that I was pretty little. I also had the thought that I needed to care about other people known and unknown. Big ideas for such a little person! I remember sitting in my bedroom not really knowing how to write well but having these thoughts about the world and how I was to fit into this space. How is a girl all of maybe 5 or 6 supposed to make sense out of such thoughts but not having the writing skills to express her thoughts into words? I am no little girl any more but I still vividly remember laying in my bed at night thinking these things. I always wanted to know me and I guess this was the beginning of my self-reflecting quest to figure out who I was and who I needed to become.

I thought that I would know it all as an adult and that my puzzle of life would be somewhat finished but quite the opposite has happened. I have no clue as to what my puzzle is supposed to even look like never mind having the borders completed and the major items pieced together. Nope. Not me. Not now. Not sure when!

I still think back at that little girl I once was and how my thinking was so clean, crisp, and fresh. I wanted. I dreamed. I hoped. I reached. I reflected deeply. I am still that little person but with a hardened soul due to life's lessons and experiences I've gone through. See, I am a sensitive person and quite shy. Chaos stresses me out and gives me headaches. I like the simple in life. I like things to be somewhat predictable and routine but when things need to change I want to and need to be the one in control of that change. I struggle with being told that you now have to do this! Frustration sets in and I start to shut down.

All my life I've felt misunderstood by people. People I know and people I don't. When I was in school I was often referred to as a snob because I didn't join into certain behaviors that made me feel uneasy. I was not prissy and entitled. I did not go around thinking that I was better than other people, quite the opposite actually. Snob I am not. Quite - yes. Shy - yes. Conservative - yes. Watch from a distance before I form my opinions - yes. Perfectionist - yes. Snob - no. I do not judge. I do not look down on people. I don't think others are better than or less than I.  I just always wanted to meet me. I aimed to be the kind of friend I needed in my life. I aimed to treat people the way I wanted to be treated. I aimed to talk to people the way I wanted to be talked to. In school this is frequently referred to as "The Golden Rule" and it is a "rule". However, in school it is overused, misunderstood, and lacks respect by those preaching. But reaching way back to my little girlhood I always said I wanted to be the person I wanted to meet.

Have I become that person? Do I still think the same way some 30+ years later? Do I still believe in that dream?

I would like to think that I still want the same thing for myself and how I am to treat other people but I am a little tarnished and bruised. Why do I feel tarnished and bruised? happened. I don't always know how to handle my thoughts and feelings about things and often shut down and go numb; unable to processes what is going on inside and how to come to a coherence that would articulate my ideas. I also think that fear has always played a role. I do fear failure, disappointment, told "no", rejection, and being told that I don't live up to someone else's standards.

Today I realized that I need to stop comparing on all levels. I always wonder what other people would think if they knew X or Y about me. Often times what I think they will say dictates what I will do and how I go about doing the next thing. I don't  like it. Why do I feel the need to get validation by someone else? Why can't my own approval or disapproval be enough to motivate me to move on or encourage me to slow down? I weigh to heavily on the opinions of others and I had a tough life lesson I had to learn that revolved around others opinions. What have I learned? I don't care what "you" think. It is so cliche but "you" don't know what is best for me and because "you" don't, "you" don't have a say regardless. This is hard to say and even harder to write about it. Why? My heart cares about people. I have deep empathy for others and what they go through. I sympathize. I feel compassion. I don't like to see people or know people are suffering for whatever reason. But in order for me to propel myself forward I have to not care as much about your opinion about me and my dreams.

So, I always said I wanted to be the person I want to meet. I like this thought and I hope that because this memory has revealed itself back to me after all this time, there is a place now for it to live and exist as a reminder to the path I need to take to achieve the greatest happiness I can.

Additional photos.  Reminder - all photos are personal property and cannot be used without the owners permission. Thank you.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Finding Peace

I've taken a few days off to focus on some other things in my life. First, I started to read an excellent book for women called Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge. This is another example of a book I "stumbled" upon that has a message. A blogger I frequent had talked about it one day and I didn't think much about it. I jotted down the book title only to forget about it until I saw it at our library. I was surprised because our library is small and usually books like this need to be requested to be sent in. There it was sitting on the shelf.

Although this book is based on Adam & Eve and the message they were to send to us, there is an enormous amount of information, argh - not really the right word here but...about women and how we are and how we navigate through life. Many quotes captured my heart but since I have the library copy I don't think they would appreciate their copy marked up with pink and orange highlighter so instead I ever-so-slightly dog-eared some pages. Because I felt so moved by these pages and powerful words ON these pages I ordered a copy of my own. But I would like to share some quotes that really grabbed my soul and made me stop, think, reflect and regurgitate what it was that I was supposed to learn by this.

"Grief is a form of validation; it says the would mattered.  It mattered. You mattered."

"How a father relates to his daughter has an enormous effect on her soul - for good or for evil."

"Do not give way to fear."

"Every woman has a beauty to unveil. Every woman."

"We struggle to know if we matter at all. If we are home, we feel ashamed we don't have a "real life" in the outside world. We are swallowed by laundry. If we have a career, we feel as though we are missing out on more important matters like marriage and children. We are swallowed by meetings."

I have been on a journey to figure things out. All too often we rely on the words of others to determine our self worth, our value as a person and to "the group", our potential, our accomplishments, and who we are as a person without relying on our own self. We do not have to look further than our own heart, head, and soul to tell us what we are and how important we can be. Why do we look outward instead of inward to measure our value? I think that we all struggle with some form of insecurity and self doubt no matter how we were raised and where we fall on the career scale. We want to hear those words of validation by someone else to push us along and keep us going. We want to be told we are doing it the right way and to continue to do what we have been doing. Some people (I think) measure this by how many zeros and commas are in their paychecks. Other people need those words and still others aren't happy until they see their name in lights so-to-speak. To the average person (like me) learning to ignore others and their judgements of you is quite difficult especially when you have little ego. But, this is something that I am beginning to learn. I fell into that category of needing someone else to tell me when I was doing a good job or not. However, life experiences have helped me sway far away from what other people think about me and the work that I do both personally and in a professional setting. I have learned not to care what people think because all to often their interpretation of you isn't who you are as a person. So, how can a person judge you and determine your value when they don't know you? Simple, they can't. Outcomes may not be what you would have chosen for yourself but in the long run you will be better off. I think it is better to capture who you are and hold on to the person you know you want to be and become rather than look at someone who has a false sense of identity of who you are and how you contribute to "the group". If they don't take the time to get to know you, I mean really know you, than they don't have the right to determine your value. It is like pricing an item without doing any research on what would be market-value.

So despite my challenges I am happy to have been able to stumble on a whole slew of books that have sent messages to me including the one I am currently reading. Sometimes you feel things and think things but don't know the right combination of words to express what is going on inside but this book is doing it for me. What have I taken from the words on these pages? That I had to relearn to be patient with myself and that it is better to stay focused on who you are as a person and not allow someone to put a price on your soul; only you can do that.