This blog is evolving into something that I didn't really want it to be...it is like my online journal of thoughts navigating my way through life. Yes, I like to write but never made a career out of it. I like to reflect and improve things but never made a career out of this either. If anyone has said that adults know everything they are completely wrong. Some days I feel like I know less and feel less confident in myself than I did when I was much younger. In the younger days there was a naivety about life, time, accomplishments, dreams, goals, careers and everything in between. I feared less and tackled more than I do now which should not be the case. I wonder why I have evolved away from that independence that I once prided myself on. I was able to face things (situations, interactions etc) head strong and walk away that I did my best. Not so much anymore. I wonder. Am I just getting tired of life? Has life had is way with me that what was so important to me then that I just don't carry that same value? Maybe I am just tired of thinking! I am a thinker. I am a reflector. I am an over analyzer and get stuck. I know that I get stuck and have a hard time getting going or making things happen. And I sit here and wonder why? A doctorate student I once knew said to me "you cannot life your life in fear" and he proceeded to move onto his next career. Fear seems to have enveloped me and someone forgot to tell me that the sticky strip was licked and sealed shut. Sometimes that is what I see. But on the flip side I am very optimistic about life and going forward. As I wrote before I have hope and always believe that the next thing will be better. I see life as a series of stepping stones many of which I don't know why I needed to place my foot there but I had. I get it sometimes, other times I don't. I am not one who can just settle with "just because" and need to know the answers and how the answer was arrived at.
I am overcoming worry. Daily worry. I was never a worrier in my life. Yah, I worried about writing a good paper, getting a good grade, keeping my friends but the life worry that I tackle each day is hard. I would have deemed myself a perfect fit to the 60's but I have become quite conservative as a person. Most people I know "lighten up" as they get older but not me!
Fear. Where the heck does fear come from? And let me tell you it is complicated and not easy to understand. I recently read on a blog "what if all your fears came true" I was stopped in my shoes and had to stop, really stop, and think about it. I hate what if questions but this one...stopped me. What if my fears came true? My response to this question is that some fears have come true and, honestly, you feel lost and confused and you have no idea what to do. It is the stuckness that I referred to. I also think that the state of the country and the economy is a black cloud that is hovering over many people including moi! I purposely don't turn on the news because listening to the stock market go down, that the teachers are made the enemy, schools are closing, gas prices are rising...all subliminal negativity that I can just live without.
So. What is holding me back? Back from what you ask? Hmm, I don't know. Am I even being held back or am I moving forward at a pace that has been designed by a greater being to help me see the world more clearly, with greater attention, focus, and care? No matter what, I am moving forward, it is just hard to see sometimes. There are many things in my day that I just love and appreciate.
I am going to just leave this piece or post hanging just to leave the brain working a little bit more!